*Deep Sigh

Well, it's official, Christmas 2010 is over. I'm not sure about you but I know that I can say that I'm glad but somewhat sad about it too.  This is my typical "Holiday Let Down" period. The last of the gifts have been distributed, the bills are already coming in and the tree is begging to be taken down....yep, let down.

I'm just that way though - it means it's over and done and whatever I didn't get right cannot be corrected now...does that make any sense?  Well, it's a quirk of mine that, unfortunately, cannot be blamed on my brokenness - it's simply my weirdness :)

As for my health during the holiday - well, it fluxed as always but not nearly as bad as I would have thought. We made a 6 hour drive and slept in a foreign bed for 3 nights then traveled another 6 hours but my aches, I'm proud to say, we minimal.

Now, as for my stress level - well that my friends is quite a different subject.  I know I am a far cry from the only person that stresses during this time of year, so I won't even go into it. I do know that with me, it manifests into headaches, stomach acid rising and neck pain - let's just say that all three came around a couple of times :)

Aside from the normal holiday blitz, my children got to spend Christmas with their paternal Grandparents - a first for them. They have seen them just before or right after but never on the day of. Considering both of my children are teens, that's a major accomplishment.We were also fortunate enough to take them into Chicago on Christmas night, just before the snow hit downtown.  We had flurries and lights and laughter, a wonderful, wonderful memory.

So, in closing, I leave you with happy memories, warm thoughts and wishes for many more of both. I hope your Christmases were as joyous as ours.

Until next time!

"Suck'ish"

Well, I've come to the conclusion that December, for me, has just simply become "Suck'ish!" No, not the holiday stuff - although quite frankly, the pressure and commercialization of that isn't exactly a treat. No, this is more of a personal thing...my Dad died in December two years ago and then on Sunday a very dear friend and longtime neighbor passed away unexpectedly.

I've had an emotional week to say the least and when my emotions run high, so too does my aches and pains and all around bitchiness. I have not been a "Peach" to be around lately of which I'm sure my children could attest to.

This week has eerily paralleled the week my Dad died, even down to the foul weather coming in. We are expecting and ice event tonight through tomorrow and of course the wake/funeral are tonight and tomorrow.  When Dad died, we had to drive through an ice event to make his arrangements, etc. and then the day of his funeral, it was so horrible out that the funeral director advised us to forgo the graveside service. We didn't but still....nasty stuff.

On a happier and fun-filled note; Saturday two of my best friends, along with our children, are making holiday soaps!! I am so looking forward to laughter and adult female conversation....it has the promise of being exactly what I need.

So, from a sad but looking to the future #spoonie - try to enjoy life while you can!

Until next time!

Grouchy much?

Well Lulu finally decided to go into hibernation - yay!!! Found that I could keep her quiet with an extra dose of Advair daily - God only knows what it does to me elsewhere but I'm good for now.

The weather here has turned frigid and it is taking a toll on me. I hurt from stem to stern and back again with little or no relief to be found. I do believe that it has put me on edge as I am super-sensitive emotionally and ready to strike like a cobra...all at the same time! Actually, if I could spew split pea soup and rotate my head around, I could totally pass as a stunt double for Linda Blaire!!!

The impending holiday has me skittery too - between broken automobiles and appliances, gifts and normal bills, well it puts me right there with millions of other people :) Thank goodness that my children are getting older and understand that we put more emphasis on gifts for birthdays now - Oct. birthday, Nov. birthday, Christmas then Jan. birthday - ugh!!!

I have managed to interact with people more lately. Considering how I've been the last few months, that's a major improvement. I attended a cookie exchange with some friends and family and have made tentative dinner arrangements with a good friend - so, my self imposed exile is, for now, waning a bit at least.

If I could just convince myself to get back into the "game" ..... nah, who am I kidding here, I'm a loner and pretty much enjoy it! lol! An occasional interaction is good for me though so I have to force myself out there once in awhile.

I don't know what irks me most right now, my overall emotional sensitivity, my aches or my uber sensitive senses of smell and sound. For example, right now my cat is about 5 ft. from me but she is licking incessantly and it is driving me up a tree!!!

The sound thing is not a new development by any means. This has been an affliction of mine since early childhood. My Father used to comment about it all the time because I could hear EVERYTHING no matter what was going on. This folks is not necessarily a good thing! I have restaurants that I no longer frequent because of the poor acoustics - great food, but to darn loud! ugh!

None of this is a normal existence - I can't sit there, it hurts; I can't go there, it's too loud; I can't go there, it smells funny; I can't go there, too much to stumble into or over....geesh, can't anything be just right - or, would it even matter because I'd just forget about it or be too fatigued/depressed to care???

I know, without a question, why I write so much - when I speak word-salad and people look at me like I'm an idiot, I withdraw even more. However, the written word comes out semi-sensible so I write, and write, and write.

So, as a result of all of the above - I'm grouchy! Ask my kids, I'm sure they wouldn't hesitate for a nanosecond to confirm that. As for my husband, well in that arena I'm blessed. He looks at me the same way he did when we first fell in love. He is compassionate to a fault and doesn't seem to see or care that I'm broken. The only problem is, he works - a lot, and has some stuff going on for himself....he probably wouldn't notice I'm a grouch either way :)

So, I've put on a headset and have Christmas music going as I type. I'm hoping this not only will drown out the unpleasant and irritating noises that surround me but also bring my spirits back up before my children get up. I'm sure they would appreciate being greeted with a smile for a change.

On a final note, "Enjoy what you can of each and every moment because you never know which one may shatter into some kind fibro-brokeness.

Until next time!

The Pink Elephant

Anyone who suffers from Bronchitis knows all to well that the congestion feels like an elephant squatting in the middle of your chest.  Well, I am in the beginning stages of Bronchitis right now and I have decided to name my elephant. She is of course Pink and her name is Lulu!

Now, Lulu and I have danced around together for years and years but since my doctor gave me said pneumonia shot and put me on Advair we haven't really tangoed. I'm hoping that this time will just be a quick jitter-bug as  I'm far to busy right now to be down with Lulu!

Since today I have errands to run and baking to do, I've decided to heavily medicate Lulu so that she won't trumpet quite so much. Every time she does, I feel like my lungs are trying to escape my chest via my throat - ugh!!! She has no respect for me, that Lulu, she's an egotistical elephant I tell ya!

So, with codeine cough syrup in hand, I type this - hoping to quiet my elephant and make it through the day. My general stubbornness will not let me call the doctor! However, I may be forced to reconsider that because it's Friday and I don't want to be in need over the weekend.

So, if you have every named your aches, feel free to share. I find it some how soothing to be on a first name basis with that which ails me. I find it makes it way easier to yell at it! lol!

Until next time!

One down, two to go!

Well Thanksgiving is now behind us and we are barreling toward Christmas and New Year's. I can say without hesitation that I made it through it without a complete flare up - yay!

My main complaint (other than normal sleep upset and back pain) has been a bangin' headache at the base of my head.  OMG! It feel like I'm gonna just watch my it explode! I have taken everything known to man, I've had my heated rice-sock on it, hot showers, ice packs, etc. Nothing seems to quiet the beastie!

My husband says it stress related - I don't know. I do know that on Monday my blood pressure was unusually high for me. I normally run @ 90/70 but it was that day it was 123/70. So I'm more inclined to think it's the BP but that too could be stress related I suppose???

The one thing I know for sure is that this sucker hurts and I want it to stop! This, along with the fact that my children refuse to get along - well, you know how that goes......"Calgon, take me away!" lol!  Right now, I'd love nothing more than to be @ a spa somewhere, soaking in a mud bath, sipping champagne and waiting for a massage - for me, that's a major step as I will not go for massages because of my mass. Until I lose weight, nobody with a size 2 waist is touchy blubbery old me!

Ah, the life of a #spoonie is one of ups and downs. Being broken is all it's "cracked" up to be (pun intended). When we know all we have left is our wit and even that fluxes with the fibro-fog....well, it's depressing. So for now, I'm gonna hit the shower then come out and tackle what house work I think I can do. That in itself will be the majority of my day.

Until next time!

If I only knew

"If I only knew" is a loaded statement. If I only knew back when that...my first marriage was gonna turn out to be a huge mistake, my health issues as a child/young woman would lead to my illnesses today, money didn't grow on trees, etc. Well, we all know there are too many variables in life to have gotten it all right the first time but when it come to now, today - my "If I only knew" relates directly to my fibro.

For example; after I've done something that isn't particularly difficult but still causes me excruciating pain, I say, "Wow, had I known that was going to do that I may not have done it!" That kinda stuff is what perplexes me right now. How can one enigmatic affliction sideline me so often?????

I chastise myself constantly because I know that there are millions of people who suffer from diseases that are "tangible" but they continue on their daily lives as if it's a mere inconvenience - while I ache and feel completely incapacitated from running the damn vacuum cleaner!

I'm well aware of the "variables" between people, their lives too, however, I used to be one of those conquering all the odds person, trudging on no matter the obstacles, etc. but now, I just simply cannot do it.  Well, not with the fibro anyway.

I have to admit that other illnesses do not keep me down. I spent over 8 hrs. in an ER because I had gall stones, kidney stones and diverticulitis all at the same time. I refused to be admitted, received I.V. antibiotics, went home, under orders of bed rest, got up the next day and went shopping and then to a party for my kids' home school group. I didn't feel well but I continued on - So, why does fibro kick my butt????

I'm whining about this now because I have family coming in for the holiday and I have overwhelmed myself just simply cleaning my house! Okay, yes, I cleaned the carpets and moved a bed and couch but that is stuff I have done all of my life, without help mind you! I was told on many occasions that I could outwork most me, that was of course before I "got sick."

So as I sit here typing, I'm waiting on a painkiller to kick in - by the way, completely upset that Darvocet is being pulled from the market as it is one of my few "saving graces" some days :(  I'm hoping against hope that this holiday goes by uneventful so that I don't have to add stress to my already aching body.  The light at the end of the tunnel for me right now lays in the anticipation of turkey and my Mother-In-Law's homemade mincemeat pies!

Just in case I don't post again until after the holiday, "Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Make it a safe, memorable and love filled event!"

Until next time!

Holiday Stress

I can't believe it but here we are, staring down the November holiday of Thanksgiving! A time for thankfulness and family and the kick off to the "overindulgent sprint" to New Year's Day.....

I love Thanksgiving, it's one of my favorite holidays and now even more so. See, it was the last holiday I spent with my Father - it will forever more be remembered that way for me. I'm not sad about it, I'm grateful for it ... one could even say. "Thankful" for it.

However, anytime I am about to have people in my home, I stress a little. I believe it is completely normal, right? I mean, unless you have a housekeeper or something. For me, being inflicted with fibro pain is a far cry from being "Hazel" We aren't filthy but we aren't the Cleaver's either.

*I'm aware how old both of those references make me sound because I am old so let me elaborate a bit; "Hazel" was a TV show that ran from 1961 - 1966 about a maid named Hazel, played by Shirley Booth and the Cleaver's was a reference to the TV show "Leave it to Beaver", that ran from 1957 - 1963 - by the way, I hate pearls so I could never be June Cleaver anyway! lol!

So, yes, I'm stressing but I'm also extremely lucky because my in-laws are who's coming to dinner and they don't judge me about our home. Actually, they are coming for a short stay as they live 400 miles away. They will arrive on Tuesday and leave on Saturday, spending much needed quality time with our children.

Recently I discovered that I like when they visit, it gives us a sense of family that has been missing for a couple of years....yup, that's the last Thanksgiving with my Dad. I find that the older and sicker I get, the more I long for family - weird huh? lol!

Anyway, so today, instead of letting my fever and aches take me down, I'm going to clean house. I opted out of church today because I am feverish and I don't want to spread that kind of love to anyone, especially at the onset of the holiday blitz.....God and I have an understanding, he fortifies me no matter where I am and I'll go to his house when I'm not sick - win, win!

So, as we begin the week that will not end until January 2, 2011 - let's remember to not let holiday stress define us. We "spoonies" need to take time to smell the turkey and not let it gobble us up!

Until next time!

Really???

My last post I was questioning my own sanity because I lost my bank card - this post, I do believe, will top that mind slip! First off, let me describe my neighborhood - we live in a rural area and when houses are clustered together, the are "banks" of mailboxes.

I happen to share a mailbox bank with my Mother. It has long been our practice of checking each others mailboxes to see if the mail has been delivered....not an issue with either of us.  Today, my Mother says, "Did you check your mail yesterday? If not, you really got a lot of mail and I didn't get any."

A simple observation and question, right? Well, as I'm speaking to her I go walking to the mailbox and I realize...I haven't checked my mail since Tuesday! Oh yes, Tuesday - WTF????? It never occurred to me, I never gave it even a hint of concern. Sure enough, my mailbox was overflowing with mail, bills, sales fliers, etc.!

Now, if you knew me personally, you would know just how disturbing this development is. I live for my mail - we live in no-man's land and the mail delivery is a very eventful deal! lol! Seriously, I look forward to my mail because to me, it's like Christmas - you never really know what's gonna be there, waiting for you.! lol!

Okay, so I can safely say that this week has been one of forgetfulness - next week is thankfulness and I'm positive that my number one thing I'm going to be thankful for is the fact that I have not misplaced my children! That is of course providing it doesn't happen between now and Thanksgiving Day!

Until next time!

What did you lose now?

Well yet another fibro-fog induced panic attack this week!  I lost my bank card! Yup, the one linking directly to our bank account that just happens to also be a visa check card - ugh!

To make matters worse on this loss, I didn't realize for 2 whole days! I tore through my purse at least 5 times; I guess I thought it would magically reappear, I scoured my car, my house and even went through the garbage! The only thing I can say is, "Thank God" I finally remembered the last place I used it! I called the store and much to my relief, it was there!

I still do not know how it escaped my clutches as I have a very rigid routine when it comes to my bank card. Use it, put it right back in its slot in my purse, take receipt and tuck it in my checkbook for later deduction, etc. Amazingly enough, I couldn't find the receipt either, which really caused me to freak out!

The next day, when I go to the store to retrieve my card, the desk guy couldn't find it. He enlisted the help of fellow employee and she couldn't find it. They called security to see if they had it, nope! Now I'm starting to panic all over again but I happen to see him rifling through some stuff and I saw it! Eureka!!!!!

In writing, this all sounds light and "haha" but let me tell you, the entire time I was searching for it I was bawling my eyes out! What am I going to forget next, my children?? I cannot stand this memory loss crap! Well, I don't like any of the symptoms but half the time I don't remember them anyway! lol! Okay, I made a funny at myself - but, I still hate all of this stuff!

Kudos to my husband who keeps sane and supportive through all of this. He just holds me when I cry and reassures me that it's all fine and good and will work out. I'm not so sure but I'm gonna trust him on it because quite frankly, I'm scared about it and he's my rock! I lean on him too much sometimes and not enough other times. I don't know how he lives with me and my "brokenness" but he does and I love him all the more for it.

Until next time!

Kidney Stones

I am having a very hard time right now. Seems that I have yet another kidney stone or stones.  If you've never had them be grateful! I can only describe the pain as; pinpointed to a specific area and it feels as if you are giving birth through the muscles/skin of said area! Another way to think of it is the movie "Aliens" - something horrific is trying to tear its way out of your body!

Mine always do the same thing, starting out as a slight discomfort that I assume is some type of muscle strain going on. It doesn't take long before I realize what it is and then all I can do is hold on for the ride! I avoid the "doctor thing" on these simply because I've done that before and it got me nowhere! They do their little scan and say, "Yup, you got stones and it will hurt when they pass!" Nobody busted them for me or made me more comfortable, nope - just leave the agony to me!

Anyway, I post this because, this is one of those darling, little, nagging illnesses that started plaguing me around the same time as my fibro diagnosis. Now, whether they are directly related or not, I cannot say but I do feel that there is some type of connection. If not directly tied then I would say that something I changed, due to the fibro, led to the stones - just guessing here though.

All I know is that my body is riddled with diagnoses, pills, vitamins, etc. and still the fun keeps comin'! I am currently of the mind to cease and desist all chemical remedies and seek out a more homeopathic way to treat my multiple conditions. I won't stop any meds until I find a sound alternative but that is the direction I will be moving in and soon. I see no further reason to make the pharmaceutical companies richer while draining my bank account and getting no physical improvements to show for it!

Until next time!

A pain in the butt!

Yup, "A pain in the butt" is exactly how I would describe I.B.S. - another of the lovely sub-afflictions we fibro people suffer from.  Out of all of them, I'd say this one is the most "irritating" - pun intended but not exaggerated in the least.

When you have I.B.S., dining out is a major obstacle. I cannot tell you how many times I have passed on eating when out with friends because the moment the food hits my stomach - my night is completely ruined.  I mean really, who wants to go out and have to spend all of the evening in the bathroom?

To compound matters, I also suffer from hemorrhoids so the I.B.S. is truly a symptom I would just as soon omit from my daily routine. My surgeon that took out my Gallbladder recommended that I take 1/2 of an anti-diarrhea tablet daily and that's fine for some but for me it just causes constipation - so, I'm  "dammed up" if I do and "dam" if I don't - lol!

When I'm "afflicted" with I.B.S. and it's ugliness, every movement is difficult....like having a disease of the nervous system isn't enough, right? I feel like I'm a walking time bomb, just feed me and see if I don't explode within minutes!

This whole mess is the main reason why I had to stop doing the Atkins weight regime. When I moved into the Ketosis stage, I was in major, major pain....yup, a pain in the butt again, to be sure!  This fact truly does bother me as I'm a believer in Atkins for my personal life. I have lived it - prior to these "problems", I lost a great deal of weight while on it and I looked and felt wonderful. So, this affliction and so many, many others is just another day in the life of a "fibro-broken" person!

Until next time!

To the Doctor or not to the doctor???

Well the weekend passed by rather slowly for me because I spent the better part of it with a screaming headache. Seems I can't shake it for very long, even when I bombard myself with Aleve ..... strange but not a huge surprise.

I've concluded that my headaches are a massive tumor, lurking around in my head just waiting for the right time to "pop!" Yes, I know, it is highly unlikely that it is a tumor or anything other than, sinuses, stress, TMJ or all of the above but I cannot be so dramatic over those boring, old things now can I? lol!

When you live with fibro, you literally learn to live with multiple things at once. I cannot remember one day over that last four or five years, that I have been completely and totally "symptom free." I have certainly had some very, very good days but never entirely free of one malady or another.

Which brings me to the reason for this post....how, exactly, do you know when you should make an appointment to see a doctor? I actually let my shoulders hurt for months before giving in and going to an orthopedic doc. After multiple cortisone injections and almost 2 months of physical therapy - the symptoms simply "vanished."

Now, I suppose I could accredit their miraculous disappearance to the shots or the therapy but any sufferer can tell you what it truly was - a massive flare up that left as mysteriously as it first appeared.  Leaving me, I might add, feeling completely moronic for having wasted the time and efforts of so many medical personnel.

So, suffice it to say, I will not subject my brain aneurysm/tumor/sinus thing/stress thing to the doctor for further evaluation as I know it will only end with me looking like a complete hypochondriac - again.  And, if for some fluke of fate, I die and it was determined that one of the above, "imaginary" scenarios proves to be true - "Oops!" lol!

Just one of the many things we "broken" individuals have to deal with on a daily basis - doubt. Nothing says, "Wow, get a grip" like always questioning your own body. No wonder nobody else can read us, we cannot get a proper read on ourselves.

Oh well, I guess we can just add that to our many "special" circumstances that make us - us, the "Fibromyalgia enigmas" that we are!

Until next time!

Fat Day

I'm going to start this off with a warning - I'm depressed and today's post reflects it. If you are already sad, I advise you to not read this as it may bring you down even further.


Today is a "Fat Day!" Everything I do, say, think, etc. leads me to me being fat! I have days like this more and more it seems. The worst is showering, not so much the shower itself but the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. I usually hang my robe over it but I still know it's there and what it reflects.

Between the "I'm fat depression" and my normal "stress depression" is wedged the "missing my Dad" depression. Every significant event (this particular one being mine & my daughter's birthdays) makes me miss him even more. He liked the whole celebration thing, the fun and joviality of it all and now, without him, it's just another day, for me anyway. Plus, I doubt that my Mother will remember it at all and given current circumstances, that's just as well. 

So, I'm bombarded with ill feelings right now and it makes me question how much any of this would truly get me if not for the damn fibro! My body issues are directly tied with my mind issues and it is frustrating, to say the least. I did speak to my doctor yesterday about a diet pill that I had heard about. Unfortunately, I am still having "issue" with the Diverticulitis and until that is fully resolved I cannot pursue any type of diet pill :( Figures!

To recap; I'm fat, sad, broke and really, really depressed about all of it! However, just having this blog to express all of this, helps me tremendously. I don't know who reads it, only who's subscribed to it but that is insignificant to the therapeutic value of letting it all out.

So in conclusion, "Thanks to everyone who reads my drivel! I hope I didn't bring you down too much but take heart in knowing that putting this in type helped me so much! I advise anyone who has "issues" to consider a blog. It doesn't necessarily have to be one that's public, I believe there was, once upon a time" a thing called a "diary" that served the same purpose only privately. lol!  Mine would be private too if I didn't believe it to be connected to Fibromyalgia. I feel a connection to other sufferers of the "silent" diseases and if sharing our sorrows helps one another, then so be it.

Until next time!

November's here

I haven't made a post in a few days because I was caught up in the trappings that come with Halloween. My children are just about done with tromping about, begging for sweets but not quite.

I enjoyed it this year though as they both went on their merry, little ways with their friends and my husband and I sat outside together by the fire pit, handing out candy. We took the much needed opportunity to talk, something we rarely get a chance to do anymore - in depth anyway.

However, I think the cool air got to me as I'm feeling the old, familiar ache, creeping around my back. I have learned to recognize those first little signs and try countering them as soon as they appear.

Last night, as I watched my son receive his new rank of Life Scout, I felt as if I had the flu coming on. I knew better - I knew it was the onset of a flare up so I wasn't worried about making an entire room of people sick.

I came home and babied myself. I moved "slower" and relaxed more. I took my meds. and waited until I was sleepy, not just tired, before I went to bed. This one act really helps me. If I am dropping on my feet sleepy when I retire, I have less chance of the toss and turn and hurt problems.

Today, still achy but I believe, for now, it's under control. I have to go out soon though and I'll know as soon as the air hits me just how under control it really is.

On a final and non-fibro related note: It's voting day across the country...please do your civic duty and go out and vote. It's a right the constitution gave us, we should exercise it so we retain the right to complain about the outcomes! :) lol!

Until next time!

My "Dander" is up!

Like so many others, Marie Claire's blogger Maura Kelly's recent slam on obese people has my dander up! I realize that's an old fashioned expression but if I said what it really makes me feel, well it would be far to obscene to print! Unlike Claire, I don't feel it is my right to bombard people with obscene statements!

For the record; Yes, I'm a "big" girl. My size has readily increased since being stricken with fibro. Is that something I can help? NO! However, does anyone truly, truly believe that obesity is a life choice????

Come on lady! Think about it - would we, as a society, willing go out on a binge just so we could feel the wrath of idiots such as yourself?? Oh yes, that's just what I want for my life - I want to be sneered at, made fun of, left out of life's beautiful places.....God, get a friggin' clue!

I spent over 40 yrs. of my life as a slender if not too thin woman. Even when I was gigantic pregnant with a 9 lb. baby, my weight was only 175 lbs. I have to look in the mirror every single day and see someone I don't recognize. It isn't bad enough that my physical abilities have dwindle to nothing or that my mind is slowly slipping away but then to not even be able to look at my own reflection....well, let's just say this, "Thanks for adding to my self loathing and depression you wretched woman!"

I truly wish I could get a grasp on things and just "love" who I am and who I've "become." I once watched an interview with the comedian/actress Mo'nique and she said something about how she was totally comfortable with herself and her size and thought of herself as sexy. I thought, "Why can't I feel that way about myself?" it never, ever crossed my mind to condemn her for it.

There's more of a lesson here than just weight issues. This can easily be incorporated into the recent headlines of bullying. This type of attitude is EXACTLY the same thing. Feeling entitled to criticize or punish or torture, either with words or actions, is a serious, serious offense against fellow human beings!

As a nation, it is our responsibility to stand up against wrongs! We are plagued with offenses against our fellow man and it's high time we stand up and speak out about it. You DO NOT have to be gay, obese, illiterate, poor, ethnic, Muslim or any other "chastised" faction to know that EVERYONE deserves to be treated with dignity and respect!

This rant did not make me feel better about myself per se, but it does make me feel better knowing that I am making a positive stand toward my fellow man. Instead of sitting around thinking how the world is falling apart, we should all take a bit of kindness and turn it into glue to repair the brokenness.

Until next time!

Hand in Hand

I've said it so many times but my mood affects my fibro and my fibro affects my mood! I have been mid-flair for a couple of days now and along with fatigue, I am now experiencing a horrible case of melancholy! Apparently, all this stuff goes hand in hand - for me at least.

On a "good" note; I have been taking vitamin D supplements and I believe I can actually feel the difference in me. That may sound stupid, hopeful or even delusional but my overall energy level seems to really be up since I started it.

I don't recommend running out and getting it based on me or my experience - I was "D" deficient or I would have never considered taking it. It's really funny but I did noticed the improvements almost right away but until a friend had a similar result, I had ignored it. lol!

I never look a gift horse in the mouth...since having been diagnosed with the "fibro curse", I never take for granted anything that works and I never get dependent on it because for me, the good results are usually temporary.

However, today I can honestly say that my energy is being zapped by my sadness...life is changing and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. I'm watching my children grow up and become independent, watching the dynamics of our family change and overall feeling very, very old.

I know this is not a good way to muddle through a flair up and I have tried very hard to head it off but it just keeps popping its ugly head right up in my face!!! You can't fight certain changes but I cannot convince myself of that on days like today.

It's days like today when I realize that I'm virtually alone. Now, that's not to say that I don't have friends because I do, really great ones. However, I'm not a team player, a joiner a fun loving kinda person so I don't socialize lots. I did give it a real "Hooray" for a time and tried to change but like the leopard, alas, I could not change my spots.

I would dearly love to be able to blame all of my woes on something or even someone else but in the end it still comes down to just me! I am who I am, be it saint or sinner and changing my inner workings is not possible. Now, add "physically broken" to that and you have....ME!

Yup, that just about sums it up - I am a broken, emotionally stunted individual! At least that's how I feel today. Tomorrow, heck - I could be flying on cloud 9 without a care in the world and giving flowers to everyone I meet ....nah, that's not me either but I could be really, really "not unhappy!" lol!

Point is this - fibro sucks and all of the other stuff that goes with it sucks even more! It's similar to the age old question about the chicken, "Which came first...?" only I say, "The depression or the fibro?" Oh sweet irony, you've taken over my life! lol!

I will push through this because I have to, my children, my family (God knows why), depend on me. You'd think they'd be leery of someone who can't remember their names half the time but nope, they still look to me for answers! Weird huh??? I will persevere and when I emerge on the other side, I'll let you know :)

Until next time!

Where did that come from?

I love Sundays! I say that for multiple reasons; church, family & relaxation - those are the high points. Everything is just so relaxed for us on Sundays and it's nice. We veg on shows we've DVR'd during the week, we munch and we just all around relax.

It came in handy for me today. I have stated it many, many times but I do believe the weather is about to "get" me. Sitting in church today, minding my own business and my lower back/tail bone got that old, familiar ache....."Oh no" was my first thought and sure enough, "oh no" it was!

My question is this, "Where did that come from?" I mean, I'm sitting in a comfortable pew and no, we don't do a lot of standing, sitting, kneeling. We stand for the Doxology and then for closing hymn, the rest of the time I'm sitting.

So now I think I have two culprits to look at; 1. The weather, front was pushing around - no rain like promised, but none the less. 2. Footwear, yep, I wore heels to church today....dummy me, dummy me!

Still, sitting you wouldn't think your shoes could affect your back but I think that's exactly what it was. I ended up kicking them off while I was sitting but I believe that decision was too late.

I haven't done much since coming home today. The pain is a continuous ache in the lumbar area and now the twinges between the shoulders have begun. I think that comes because of the over compensations I make in my posture to accommodate the lower back pain - vicious circle!

To recap - avoid heels or avoid heels during changing weather??? Hmmm....being that I can't avoid changing weather and I can avoid heels, guess that one's a no brainer lol! I hate, hate, hate having to alter my choices because of my "brokenness!" It just adds to the multiple feelings of inadequacies that fill my daily life. Oh well, muscle relaxers - here I come!

Until next time!

Like any other day

Today has been typical....clean house, take a break; do more work, take a break; exercise, take a break - I think I'm "breaking" up with myself lol! That's the only way I can accomplish anything, taking the breaks keeps me from shutting down before I finish whatever task I'm working on.

I'm now fighting a head/chest cold so I'm a little more "off" than normal and I'm feeling every bit of it. There is something completely unsettling about a cold anyway. I hate that "plugged" feeling and the muffled sound quality - it all makes me so off kilter. That's just what a fibro sufferer needs, more stuff to make you feel unbalanced, indecisive and hard of hearing!

Tonight, heavy duty cold medicine is in order and I'm not afraid to use it, lol! It will allow me to sleep at least. The last couple of nights have been fitful at best and I found myself sitting up or roaming about the house trying to breath.

The weather here is playing havoc with my fibro too. Unseasonably warm weather, which is nice, but dry, dry, dry. Moisture is moving in and I can feel it coming. I swear, we fibro people should hire ourselves out as weather predictors!

Tomorrow, the rain is supposed to be here and I'm willing to wager the arthritis like symptoms are not far behind. It is an unfortunate but they do seem to go hand in hand...just part of the lovely fibro "glitches."

So, we'll see what tomorrow brings and in the mean time, I'll keep forging ahead and taking breaks to make it through, throwing in a sneeze, a wheeze and a nose blow here and there.

Until next time!

How does that expression apply??

Okay, so..."If no pain, no gain" is an actual, honest to goodness, way to measure if your exercising activities are working....well then, I should be buff in about 2 more sessions!!!

Seriously, the only part of my torso that isn't hurting is the tipity-top of my head. So, were I to take the adage to heart - it's working!! Yay??? I'm just not convinced that putting myself through all of these aches are worth the end result but I'm going to keep going.

I'm figuring that "IF" I can get my body into some other shape than ROUND, then I will see the full benefits of all the pain. As I stated before, I may be in a wheelchair with a morphine drip but, "I'll look good!" The way I'm feeling right now, that could have been way understated - but seeing how I have no plans of being buried; to say I'd look good in my casket would be a falsehood! lol!

Although the previous paragraph was said in jest, I truly am hurting from all of the stuff I've been putting my body through - in the name of exercise and physical fitness. It is a side affect I feel from any exertion though so why not try to have some benefit from it.

Truthfully, I do believe I have added strength to my legs. That is a great plus because one of my worst symptoms is the weakness in my lower body. There are times when I think I'm just going to drop to the ground because my legs turn to noodles.

So, for now, I am going to look ahead to peek at the new and improved me, even while the current "old and broken" me is screeching out in pain.

Until next time!

Exercise & Pain

I've decided that I absolutely have to exercise regardless of the pain that inevitably follows. So, I dug the Ab Lounger out and placed it next to my hydraulic stepper along with my hand weights (2 lbs. - I'm a wimp!)

I have made great strides in usage but as expected, I'm in horrible pain. I cannot believe that my life has come to this. Don't get me wrong, I was never "Miss All American" by far - I hated participating in sports but I was active. Now, this simple type of activity puts me down and hard!

I'm going to persevere though, I am walking every day, taking my meds and now adding the sit-ups and hand weights, something should give - soon! I have two things that could derail me here; 1. I'm impatient and weight loss takes FOREVER! 2. The pain.

I miss the metabolism I enjoyed for so many years :( I swear, I could eat anything and never gain an ounce. I wasn't a parent then so I indulged in all the things that are bad for you and I never felt a negative from any of it. Now however, if I so much as think about and God forbid, look at, anything scrumptious. . . . well, it goes straight to my - let's just say; anywhere from my chin to my knees!!

There has to be more to life than this! I do not want to spend what ever time I have left on this Earth, worrying about what I should or shouldn't eat, drink, smell, touch, etc.....ugh!

For now though, I'm committed to pushing through this and coming out on the other side a lot thinner and more self confident. I may be in a wheel chair and have a morphine drip but I'll look good!!! lol!

Until next time!

Sleep???

Because I am now going on a mere 4 hours of sleep, I thought it a fair subject for today's entry. Many people suffer from sleep disturbances but with fibro there is this "quirk" that makes it all the more ironic.

Two of the main symptoms of fibro are; extreme exhaustion and inability to sleep. How's that for mixing it up??? I mean, on one hand you are so tired you cannot function and on the other, you cannot sleep worth a hoot!

The human body is an amazing vessel but one so sensitive that if you mess up one function the entire thing is liable to follow. As is the case with fibro; each system within the body has some sort of ill affect from it, at one point or the other.

Sleep deprivation can take its toll in many, many forms. Did you know that if you don't sleep well, you can actually gain weight?? Ugh! Just another way to add to the stress and depression huh? To feel tired is bad enough but to feel tired and fat - well hand me some anti-depressants and stay out of my way!

All joking aside, I sincerely feel that if the researches found the proper "starting point", they could solve the puzzle that is fibro. However, considering all of the symptoms that occur with it, around it, before it - well, pin pointing that can be an elusive task.

I suspect that I have always had "symptoms" throughout my young adult life but I believe the extreme onset began when I suffered a neck/back injury. From the moment it happened my life went into a spiral and hasn't stopped yet.

So, did the neck injury acerbate the already existing depression thus causing the trauma to my nervous system or could it have been there, lying dormant, waiting for my system to be compromised??? All fair questions - really, really wish I had gone to medical school so I could research it myself (with true confidence and knowledge.)

Well, that last statement was just enough to put me in a "what if" kinda mood - I should pat myself on the back....I managed to depress myself lol! Who needs critical parents, spouses, friends or relatives when you can take yourself to task??

Well, the day is holding some promise as my AC/Heat people have returned and are working diligently to get the unit fixed and although my eyes are full of sand and I ache from head to toe, I have every intention of making the most of this day that God saw fit for me to partake in.

Until next time!

Hmmmm....

Today's one of my "I wonder..." days.  I wonder about everything which translates to worry which then slides into tension which then screams into panic! Yup, my thought processes are mind blowing :)

Like most people, women, wives, moms; I have lots on my plate at various times and then others - nothing.  When I'm lucky enough to have "nothing" going, that's usually when my mind steps up and says, "Well, we can't have this...an idle mind, blah, blah, blah" but then it decides that wonder is the best path - stupid brain!!

So, here I sit; still with no heat/ac and unable to fix the situation and wondering just how ugly it's gonna get before the solution is found.  I have a long history of letting my mouth overload my common sense and then it's down hill from there.  I am TRYING, very HARD, to be patient and amiable to all parties involved.

Then yesterday, I got my phone bill.  Which I just reworked into a "bundle" of my internet, phone and satellite service.  The promise of so much for so little should have been a red flag but I figured saving anything would be a plus at this rate....so, last month's bill was fabulous! I was on cloud 9 thinking, "Yay, I finally made a sound decision!"  Ha! This months bill arrives and wow!, did they ever screw me!

My bundle price was just as it should have been but somehow they managed to find another $55.00 in additional fees???? WTF???? Okay, okay, sorry - slid into panic just typing about it - moment over, deep breathing occurring here.....so, I sent them an email because seriously, if I type and panic, can you imagine a phone conversation with me??? ugh!

Normally, I would turn to my hubby in times like these and let him deal with it but seriously, he has a "new" job and is working crazy hours just to help us limp along - I should be able to take care of stuff - why can't I then???? As I've said many, many times....I blame it on the fibro!

My inability to cope with relatively easy tasks has gone bye-bye, my ability to remain calm; also gone. I'm left with this emotional wreck of a human being who cannot put two words together without sounding like an idiot.  To make matters far worse, I'm really not an overly pleasant person to begin with so fluster me, anger me or confuse me and OMG!

So, there you have it - my Sunday is chocked full of wonder and it's getting worse by the moment. I have no recourse but to let it take its natural path of progression and hope and pray that I come out on the other end with some sense of dignity left.....yeah, that's a stretch but one can hope.

Until next time!

Relaxed & Rested

You know, it's a shame that a day of doing absolutely nothing can make a person feel so good, even if there is guilt associated with it. This weekend has been a do nothing one for me. My hubby and son are on a camping trip and my daughter and I have just hung out, watching movies, etc....it's been so nice.

Tomorrow of course will be another subject; they return and life resumes but until then, I'm reading by the fireplace with the cat on my lap and enjoying the "nothingness" of it all.  However, I must admit that I find it sad that in order to feel good or "normal" I have to remain completely sedentary.  No movement, no pain but tons and tons of weight gain - yep, that's what doing nothing gets ya!

We have managed to take daily walks since the weather has cooled off. I'm probably pushing that a bit too much but I have to do something, right? My son had his 14th Birthday yesterday and I even conned him into walking with us. Of course, he promptly tuned us out with his new iPod but at least he was with us :)

Even as relaxed as I've been today, speech has been rather troublesome. It made me all the more glad that I had very little interaction with outsiders today :)  Another, sad but true, daily existence of a fibro sufferer.  Sometimes, it is just better to not mingle with non-family members lol!

For now though, all is well, quiet and nice and I hope and pray that it remains that way up to the moment my family is all together again - then I fully expect the chaos that goes along with it and I will be loving every minute of that too.

Until next time! 

What is normal anyway?

It has been a very, very long week here. School hasn't been as rigid as usual because of the circumstances but we have managed to have it so I'm thinking of that as a huge plus :) The fibro aches have decided that this week, the knees, ankles and toes should hurt and thus goes my hobbling gait around the house. I can't remember the last time I was "normal" but then again, what is normal?

My definition of normal has changed so many times you get dizzy trying to follow it. Before I got sick, normal was a daily routine involving work, housework, parenting and being a wife. I had a certain day of the week for every chore around the house. For example; Mondays were sweep, mop, vacuum and shampoo carpets, Tuesday was dusting and dust bunnies around the ceilings and cleaning out the fridge, Wednesday was strip all the beds and do laundry, etc...yup, I was that anal about all of it. My niece used to tease me about, "Oh no, you can only do that at her house if it's Tuesday and there is a full moon!" lol! Like I said, I had a normal (for me) routine and I loved it.

Then I got sick, no more normal anything! I had to quit my job, which completely sucked! Yes, both the job and quitting :) but I loved being out and earning money. It was the first job I'd had in 7 yrs. When I was two weeks out from having my son, I went on maternity leave and didn't go back to work until my daughter (they are 13 mos. apart) went into 1st grade.

Anyway, I quit work and I dropped out of life - seriously, it took me down so hard that I was OUT! I couldn't move, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't function! I saw doctor after doctor and nobody seemed to even want to help me! "It's all in your mind," "you sufferer from depression," blah, blah, blah!

After what seemed like an eternity of that stuff I went to a doctor in Chicagoland and within the first 10 mins. of our visit, she looked me dead in the eye and said, "You are NOT crazy, this is real and it's called Fibromyalgia!" I published an article about that time in my life, give it a read if you get bored - heck, give all of my stuff a read, page views are good :) My "personal" writing stuff is @ http://www.associatedcontent.com/user/175705/haley_koehling.html

Today, normal consists of "maybe" I'll do this or that and "maybe" I'll feel like driving or socializing. The only definite thing I do is get out of bed in the mornings. That's what normal has become for me. After I finish this blog, I have to pursue the laundry I started a few minutes ago and that may be the only accomplishments that I have today....but you know what, that's okay too because this is who I am - today.

Until next time!

To want in one hand and.....

Okay, I'm sure you've heard the rest of the expression in the title and you undoubtedly have even experienced a time when it applies, right? Admit it, not everything is rosy all the darn time and it does not always go your way or work out in the end....that's just life!

Well right now, I could easily tell life to,(quoting a friend here) "SUCK IT!" I mean I seriously must have cheesed off the entire universe lately because it sure as heck is giving me a slap on the rear this week!

The slap comes to me in the form of stress, the emotion that nobody needs, but the main one that causes fibro sufferers to go into a full blown, all out flare up - oh yes, just what you need to go with the stress!!!

So, you've heard me whining about the AC/Heat unit crashing and burning (literally) for the 3rd time and now...wait for it...my refrigerator died too!!! Yay for Haley and her appliance challenged life - woot!

Not only did the fridge die but it took with it a boat load of food and condiments. Okay, I'm not gonna say I miss the hubby's pickled herring or jalapenos but my industrial size container of cottage cheese and sour cream - wahhhhh, why, why, why did it have to take my dairy products down with it??? lol!

Thank God for small favors as the freezer had very little in it - ice I can replace :) Luckily a couple of months back we bought a large, upright freezer and it "stands alone" now in my sad and pathetically void kitchen.

I admit, I have wished the fridge dead on many occasions. Every time a door shelf would "give" and spill its contents all over the poor person's foot who opened it, harsh words and thoughts were heaped upon it. However, in my and my families defense, "We didn't mean it literally!"

To look at the old gal you'd never know she was 12 or 13 yrs. old and to be fair, she's had a good run. The ice-maker has been on and off from the beginning but nothing we could coax back into life and as I mentioned, her shelves were going South but so are mine so "eh." All in all, she's been pretty reliable and I should honor her but her death is highly untimely and I'm stressing!!!

So,tomorrow consists of; school, waiting on AC guy, fridge shopping via phone, internet and car, waiting on AC guy, writing, waiting on AC guy and hopefully fridge delivery guy, writing and oh yes, STRESSING! lol!

If anything else bends, breaks or budges, I'll be sure to be posting again. For now, I'm going to take my book and coffee and go outside in the swing and wish and pray for better days.

Until next time!

Ouch

You ever have a day that starts out before you even rise out of bed? That's where I've been today - I woke up with a banging headache and now, @ 5:52 p.m., it is still with me, along with aches in every joint.

I accomplished nothing today around the house. I managed to drag myself in to town to order my son's birthday cake and that depressed me. lol! He is turning 14 on Friday the 15th and all it's managed to do is make me wonder, "Where the heck did the time go?"

Last night we had a family tradition/activity; a weenie & marshmallow roast. This particular one was extra special as we have two tiny new members to the clan tradition - my great nephew Jude and my great niece, his sister; Phoebe. It was wonderful fun to see their eyes as they watched the fire and heard the stories and laughter from all of us "loony" grown-ups.

It was also my first time sharing this event with my nieces step son and daughter, Steven & Amber, as well as their significant others; Candice & Eric. Our family is growing in leaps and bounds yet our gatherings have gotten smaller and smaller over the years. My niece and I seem to be the only ones who are holding true to the "old ways" but that's okay because our kids will be raised with them and have fond memories for their adult lives because of it.

Even as fun and comforting as the family gathering was, the nagging aches never left and the night ended rather early for me. I long for the day when I can be myself again, not this over weight, non-participating blob of a human being....some day maybe.

For now, I have a step machine that I've been forcing myself to use to try to restrengthen my legs and a mountain of pills to stave off all the other "uglies" of the fibro realm. As long as the weather is tolerable, I will force myself to get out and walk, even if it's just in my yard - I have to take back my life and soon before there is nothing left to reclaim.

Tonight however, it's the couch, a compress for my head and my favorite Tony Curtis movie; "The Great Race"...you gotta love TCM! The only thing I can figure is that one of my many former lives must have been spent in the golden age of Hollywood as I am a sucker for an old movie and the classic actor/actresses of the past.

Until next time!

To quote the "Monkees"

It's another "Pleasant Valley Sunday" here - the temperature is great, the sun is shining, the birds are singing....well, you get the point :)

However, in the world of fibro, where weather can negatively effect you, all the pleasantness in the world won't help. I know from the way I feel today that I could never live in a desert region. The temperature swings from night today would be impossible - like what it's doing here, now.

Okay, I admit that I've been pushing myself because I did my own "house crash" and I am still trying to complete it but come on! Yesterday, I fixed my washing machine (again) but this time I used man tools - you know, stuff like; plumber strap, screws and a screwdriver :) If that doesn't do it, it can't be fixed!

I also tore into my son's room - ugh! I take advantage of the weekends when he's camping and venture into the vast wasteland that he calls him bedroom. It took the better part of 2 hours but at least now he has the hanging clothes hanging in his closet and his chest of drawers is once again the vessel for his other duds - that's opposed to the closet floor, where they were when I went in!

I vacuumed,did laundry and general straightening, on top of deep cleaning his room and by nightfall, I was in so much pain, it hurt to move/sit! Then, sleep failed me again and @ 2 a.m. I was still watching TV wishing my GERD would go the heck away.

My point of my descriptive day is that; in it's entirety, my day was lame! I mean, there was no "hard labor" there - there wasn't anything even a fraction near the stuff other people do in their everyday lives. It's so frustrating to be wiped out by trivial tasks! I used to be strong, capable and complete!

So, here I sit documenting this journey and feeling more and more frustrated. I had hoped this blog would help me mentally deal with this stuff and it has, kinda....but sometimes, no matter what source you tap for comfort, it just isn't there to be had.

Until next time!

In my own defense

Just so everyone knows; I have not had a ticket in over 15 yrs. and have never been in or the cause of an accident. This driving fog has just been coming on within the last year or so and usually, when I feel it, I do not drive at all.

I have been known to let things get way behind and out of whack because I knew not to drive. Yesterday was different though. There was no warning and I truly believe that it was brought on by all the darn stress.

Last night was sleepless but today (so far) has been okay...really haven't applied myself to anything yet, so it could go either way. The only thing I have managed to deal with so far is calling my Mother and telling her about the deaths of 3 people, 2 of which who's funerals we have already missed!

I realize that the older you get, the more funerals you attend but lately, I have been seeing more and more tragedy in the way of "younger" folks. People in their 30's and 40's, not just to automobile crashes but other stuff too.

It just goes to show that each and every second should be treated with respect and appreciation. No matter how you are feeling at the moment, don't let a loved one leave your presence without giving them a kind word, a hug, a smile or a kiss.

Until next time!

To drive or not to drive

Okay, so my son had to be taken to a scout camp today and dropped off. The camp is about 30 or so miles or so from our home and we had to run errands before he needed to be there @ 3:00 p.m., that was the plan anyway.

Here's how it actually went; we leave our house @ 1:10 p.m., head to the bank, then payed a bill. When leaving the shopping center, I'm sitting @ a red light, explaining to my children how, when the light turns green, you ease into the intersection and wait for it to clear before proceeding. As I'm telling this, the light goes green & I just sit there - it took (what seemed like) an eternity to process the color! Thankfully, no one was behind us!

Then, we head to a friend's workplace so she can buy popcorn from my scout. When we leave there, I go the way I thought we were supposed to go, but after we are in full motion my son says, "No Mom, you have to go to blah, blah, blah and then go blah, blah, blah." (That's what it sounded like to me anyway). So, I adjust my course, which thankfully wasn't too far off base and head to the campground.

Midway to our destination I notice my tank is getting low. So, I'm hoping it isn't much farther (never having been there myself before)and luckily it isn't - however, a mile or so from the campground we realize that we forgot to put the tent in the car!

A quick "u-ey" later, we are headed back to town and the gas station.....then I forget where I'm at and my 13 yr. old and 14 yr. old have to say, "No Mom, you are on the right road - keep going!"

We make it home safe and sound, run in the house and grab the tent and head back out. By this time we are about 40 mins. off our original mark and that alone makes me crazy! I cannot stand tardiness, especially when it's me who's tardy. Talk to the hubby and he say, "Don't worry, there is no set time for him to be there!" This is the same guy who said to have him there @ 3:00 originally - ugh!

The camp is down a long,narrow, gravel road and we met several cars coming from the opposite direction but it was tolerable...we wait in the parking lot for 30-40 mins. for a counselor to show up (wouldn't you know it, he's running late!)he helps my son with some stuff and then we proceed to check in. After check in, we help him haul his tent and gear to the staff site and watch/help him set up his tent (with NO hammer because .... we forgot it!)

Okay, kids are set and it's time to leave, weave through the lot, wave @ the nice man (that was standing in an "odd place"), go around the barricade and 1/2 down the road we came in on, my mind processes the ONE WAY sign that was posted on said barricade, then the oddly placed man popped to mind and it processes, like syrup, that he wasn't saying "bye" he was trying to head me off! - Extremely unsuccessfully!

Now, nobody was harmed and during the day it is a two way road but apparently during BUSY times it is not and you couldn't have picked a busier time than when we were leaving. Funny thing was, before the "light came on" and realization kicked in, I'm just having nine kinds of hissy fit about how the road should not be two way, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.....yep, that's me alright - always with the good ideas!

So, in order to deal with my mind fog, I'm documenting it - telling the whole world how stupid I am and how when I say there are days I shouldn't leave the house, I REALLY shouldn't leave the house - not with me driving anyway!

I think right now, I'm going to pour myself some juice, find my way to the couch and just sink down into it. I may or may not come up for air/food - depends on how much I want to subject myself to tonight....I'm feeling really awful about "stuff" right now.

Until next time!

Slow and steady

Well I once again fell behind on my blogging but I have a good excuse - "I forgot about it!" :) lol!

Yesterday turned out to be a very hectic and full day of teaching, getting my hair chopped off,running errands, meeting the hubby for lunch, picking up kids, visiting with relatives, etc. By the time I got time to myself,I ran down and out of energy so quickly you'd of thought I'd been tranquilized - just another unpleasant fibro thing; up with pain or down with fatigue - ugh!

If it's any indication of how it hit me, I actually fell asleep on my couch while watching "Destination Truth." Now, for some that might not mean anything but for me,Josh Gates is...how shall I say it?....Ah yes, very captivating! :)

When I finally woke up,I staggered off to bed leaving my phone behind in the living room. Again, if you know me, that almost NEVER happens, as my blackberry and I share a very close relationship - one I rarely ever share with people! :)

Of course, as fate would have it, that's when I was needed and I couldn't be reached :( I know, the "big picture/plan" had all that already on the "map" but I cannot help questioning the "universe" as to why it would want me to be so rarely "out of it" when someone needed me??? (this IS how my mind works too - sadly.)

To make matters worse, when I got up this morning, I didn't even check my phone right away. Nope, I had Scout stuff on my mind instead. So, I print off multiple sheets my son needs for this afternoon, gathered up uniforms, etc. and began a load of laundry. Only to have the hose disconnect, AGAIN, and wash down my mud room for the 3rd time...luckily, I ripped all the carpet out of there last week...because it was wet from the first 2 "hosings"!

Once all of that was resolved, I check my phone to find that a dear friend had been taken to the ER in the early a.m. and is now in the ICU unit. How's that for a swift kick in the "guilt-gut!" Luckily, she is now stable but it doesn't make up for the fact that I was unreachable when they needed me - gonna have to find a way to resolve all this within myself @ some point but for now, would appreciate any and all prayers for her and her family.

Anyway, today is another "fun-filled" day of school,errands and hauling children here and there. I've actually remembered to take my morning meds, had a cup of coffee and cleaned up the laundry disaster - so maybe, just maybe I can get from A to B without mishap??? Here's to hoping!

Until next time!

Memories

Well, I didn't post again last night like I thought I would. I hurt too darn bad to sit anywhere for any length of time so being at the computer was out. To say it was an "off" night would be an understatement. If this is any indication - I normally set my side of the sleep number bed @ 5, yep..5 but last night's pain was so intense that I got up around 2'ish and reset it to a whopping 15! Who knows where it will end up tonight.

However, today has been much better...just as my children and I completely knocked out two walls and I was good and covered in drywall and my house totally trashed, my cousin, whom I haven't seen in over 20 yrs.,knocks on my door!

After the initial shock at seeing his smiling face I began to profusely apologize for my appearance and that of my house to which he said, "I don't care what it looks like, I came to see you - not your house!" That's family!! lol!

We spent the better part of our visit reminiscing about relatives and what we have done over the last 20 years. It's funny how something so simple, like a visit, can lift you up when you are feeling down. I know for me,it was just what the doctor ordered.

If I had to describe today, I would say it was full of old walls coming down, both factually and figuratively :) Either way, good cheer makes the pains more tolerable and we could all use a little of that no matter what the pain is.

So, on that note, I'm signing off - I have an early appointment with some HVAC people who are "allegedly" going to be here EARLY to fix my furnace (that was promised to be fixed no later than today :) "Ah, stuff happens though" - right??

Until next time!

Brrr....

So I didn't blog yesterday :( It was crazy @ my house. My furnace went out (again) and we had the 1st frost warning for the season...figures right?

It turned out not to be bad at all in the house and we didn't build a fire in the fireplace until this morning. My kids sure enjoyed the warmth when they got up lol!

So, today is an achy day - yuck! My hips are hurting so badly they feel as if they are about to explode from the inside out. I know that sounds strange but if you are a sufferer you understand the strangeness of the pain. Between the stomach issues, back pain and the headache,that I swear is a tumor, I'm set for an awful and achy Tuesday.

I can't help but wonder if all of this is weather related or if my current stress isn't adding to it. I've been throwing myself one heck of a pity party over the fact that my parental unit is no longer a part of my life - reality sucks sometimes huh?

Anyway, if I make it through this day, I will post again tonight to document the progression of the current pain(s).

Until next time!

Ugh!

The weather change has me spinning. I am achy, fatigued and miserable today. I love fall but I can't seem to make the switch from warm to cool without some kind of backlash.

My neck, shoulders and back are "tight." It feels like my muscles are trying to scrunch together for warmth or something. I'm hurting so much that laying down isn't an option because they (the muscles) are tender to the touch.

I'm thinking that no matter how I try tonight, sleep is going to be elusive. I'd medicate and then wash it down with a "toddy" but I'm on meds for my diverticulitis that forbids any alcohol.....grrrr!

So, I'm going to find my book, make some hot, lemon tea and go watch some football. Maybe watching all the pain the players feel will make mine seem small in comparison and I will be able to ignore it for a bit.

Until next time!

"Weather" or not

Well, fall finally made it to our neck of the woods and although I love cooler temps, the sudden change is messing with my fibro bad!

For instance, I have had absolutely NO energy to speak of. As a matter of fact, I napped off and on in my chair most of the afternoon. That is so not like me - I am not a napper. I wake up all jittery and discombobulated, ugh! Today however, nap, do something for the kids, nap, do something else for the kids, nap, etc....

My son has been running a low temp for the last two days and is fighting a cold, one that I'm sure to get because that's how it goes in our house. Anyway, he laid around all day and my daughter had a friend overnight and they hung out all day.

The only real thing I accomplished was to get the new landscaping done in the turtle's aquarium - wow...how's that for progress? Oh yes, I managed to speak with my mother early in the morning so that information I gleaned from her could ruin my entire demeanor - score!

So, stress, weather changes and cold germs - yup, heading down a slippery slope and into a fibro cyclone I think. With any luck, I can med-up, go to bed and dodge one or more of the offenders!

Until next time!

What now?

Well, we made through another day but now, as the weekend approaches, my son is running a low temp and has a sore throat and mine is bit scratchy too :(

What is it about kids, the weekend and illnesses? Have you ever noticed that they can be right as rain Monday - Friday, 5 p.m. and then, "Wham! sick kid" and the doctor's office is closed until Monday.

Yep, that's pretty much been the last 14 yrs. of our lives. Want real excitement, hang around with us on holiday weekends when even walk-in clinics are closed and you end up in the ER cause your kid has a temp of 103 or 104 - that's been us too.

Anyway, I think he and I are fighting off a cold and we always temp up just a bit before it hits us full force. A cold I can live with though - for me personally that is. However, I hate it when my kids are sick even if it's just a cold....that's a parent thing though, right?

So no serious fibro stuff today - multiple stabbing pains in the feet and legs but nothing that can't be overlooked. This is good compared to how it can be so I'm having another "grateful" moment :)

I did a bunch of nothing today & so far, that has staved off any ugly symptoms this week. Can't continue do nothing though so we'll see what pops up when I get back into my daily grind. I'll let you know :)

Until next time!

A good day

Today was a good day! I spent the day with my kids, my niece and her two little ones. We drove all over, we shopped, we laughed and had a good time. It was refreshing to not be in the house bogged down by the things that I can't seem to get done anyway. I'm tired but it is a good tired for a change and I have minimal aches and pains - WIN!

I think I'm actually getting a bit sleepy and for me, this is early (another win if I can go from the table to my bed without getting the "wide-awakes.) Acid reflux is still horrible but that's just going to have to be babied until I can get a new prescription. Hoping to go back to Aciphex, it really helped me before.

So to recap; Good day, great fun, very little fibro "stuff" ooh and I also managed to "fix" my blackberry all on my own. Took it to the phone store yesterday and the guy was not helpful @ all so...I came home, researched it myself and fixed it - yay for me lol!

All in all, I'm doing okay!

Until next time!

Hoorah for the Wii!

Okay, not that I'm ever not sore but wow!!! Played golf, bowling and baseball on the Wii yesterday with the kids and OMG! My should is right back to where it was 2 mos. before physical therapy - eek!

I know, I know, I was told it is an impingement but I know, deep down, that it's just the Fibro aches and pains. So, knowing that (because I'm a closet physician) I stopped going to physical therapy and work my arm @ home on the bands.....right now however, I'd LOVE a cortisone shot! Funny thing about that, I cannot do that from home lol!

Today, errands in town and then taking out 2 walls! Yep, I love to destroy my home then complain that it looks bad....no, just expanding my son's room so he and the daughter both have descent size living quarters. Of course, I have to do this myself because I have a completely destructive nature :)

I'm sure I will more than pay for my short comings - surely by tonight I will want to crawl into a fetal position and wrap myself in warm blankets for comfort but, it must be done and I'm wanting to see it through.

So, next time I write, I'll probably be typing "gently" as my arms will surely be about to fall off completely. lol!

Until next time!

Sleepless In Illinois

Another sleepless night - part of the wonderful world of Fibro.

As a suffer I can say, "for me,this is one of the "symptoms" that shows up 1st and more often than the rest." I spend many a night/morning watching TV, reading or on my laptop, simply because I cannot sleep.

Most often my lack of sleep is due to pain(s) in my back, neck, shoulders and hips but on other occasions it's more of an insomnia thing. My mind refuses to shut down, playing and replaying events in my mind from any and every time frame.

My father passed away in Dec. of 2008 and every night, without fail, I relive the night he died. It is on a continuous loop and that memory leads to others etc., etc., it is an endless cycle.

I would akin my "mind loops" to a type of O.C.D. truthfully. It's as if the process has to be completed before the body will relax. I can be falling asleep in the living room and by the time I drop into my bed, I'm awake and taking my mental journeys. I have to say that after 4 + yrs. of fibro, I'm a well traveled gal. lol!

Today, well - yesterday actually, I overdid it with the mowing....I knew there would be heck to pay for it but life has to keep clicking right? So, I had an evening of nausea and stiffness and now insomnia, I'd say a full boat by any account. :)

Well,tomorrow/today is a school day and errand day so I really must try to get sleep. You'd think our ungodly expensive sleep number bed would be just the ticket but alas, it is not. It is simply more tolerable than a regular mattress.

I would consider giving "my kingdom" for a bed like the ones in I.C.U. wards. The pressure changes automatically and at random in order to head off bed sores. It's just my opinion, but I believe that those beds would be a tremendous help for fibro sufferers.

Who knows, maybe one day, between medical "herb", motion mattresses and jacuzzis,fibro could become tolerable :)

Until next time!

I'm Asking For Trouble

Well,today I decided to push mow my entire yard. The only thing I can figure is that I have a desire to hurt because I keep pushing myself even when I know better. However, in my own defense, if you let it take you, it will take you all the way down. I can't allow that to happen, so I push.

I'm still having horrible acid reflux problems, my breakfast consisted of 2 Prevacid pills, 2 Tums tablets, 2 pieces of white bread and 1 Synthroid. I was stuffed so I thought a lack of sitting would be beneficial too. I've been done for almost 2 hrs. now and so far, so good, as far as pain goes. Acid unfortunately is back with a vengeance. I think most of that is directly related to my children and other "issues" in my daily life.

So to recap, no word salad to speak of (pun intended), no other "weird" symptoms and as yet, no horrible pain. I'm going to go out on a limb here and call it a good day. I think anything after 3 p.m. can be considered an entire day because I have been up since 4:30 a.m. lol!

Until next time!

Wow, I Have a Muscle There?

Sore does not begin to describe how my body feels right now! Too much strain from ripping out carpet yesterday apparently, because I hurt in places I didn't know could hurt. Sleep was non-existing last night as even meds couldn't quell this flare up. Gentle hugs,(as a friend says,) are about all I could handle right now.

Word salad was fun today too, as I tried to speak/sing in church. I swear, making my words form properly is a full time job anymore. When the muscles flare, I can almost guarantee one or more of the weird symptoms are gonna show up too. I'm grateful that my daughter and I went to a movie so that I could have and hour & a 1/2 of not having to talk.

However, I have come to the conclusion that the theater seats are not so good for my body. Today was "okay" because we were two of three people in the entire theater and had our choice of seating. We didn't have anyone behind us, so I could stretch and twist and turn as necessary but when it's crowded, the seats really kill me. I suppose I could try not being so considerate and scrunching down in the seat so far huh? :)

On top of the fibro flaring, there are some personal issues eating at me too so I just know the next few days are going to be just "swell." Seems the more stress there is, the more flare there is. I'm too old to be feeling the angst that I am about the things that I do but it's there none the less. Guess using the words "swell" & "angst" really show my age too huh...but give me credit, I'm try to keep this blog "clean." lol!

So to recap; today was achy but blissful until I returned home....guess it was going to good for me or something. I'm beginning to think I'm on a cosmic "screw with me" list somewhere and every time I'm observed smiling or laughing, a wrench is tossed at me to see if I'll duck it, catch it or get hit with it - today, I got hit!

Right now, I'm going to drink my coffee, listen to the F1 race my hubby dvr'd and snuggle up with my computer. I hope the world leaves me alone for the rest of the day as I promise I will most certainly leave it alone :)

Until next time!

What Possessed Me To Do That

Well, it's now 10:25 p.m. and I'm in agony! I knew the work I did was over doing it and that I'd pay for it. My body is aching in so many areas I couldn't begin to count. Well, that's just another day in the life of a fibro sufferer, work & hurt.

So, to recap the day - woke up feeling refreshed, a bit sore but overall good...worked like a fiend pulling up carpet, moving washer and dryer, cleaning kitchen/dining room. Went grocery shopping and on car ride home, BAM! My leg started hurting first and now it's in my neck, shoulders and hips :(

Guess it's time to med-up and head to bed. Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.

Until next time!

Strike While the Iron is Hot

Morning!

Well today is certainly a new day! I went to bed way early for me and woke up today sore but feeling pretty good. So, when I feel like this I take advantage of it and get some much needed stuff caught up.

So far today I have cleaned my kitchen and 1/2 of the dining room and when my coffee break is over I will resume tearing out some carpeting. That just leaves 2 bathrooms, a bedroom and a living room destroyed - eek! lol!

My son has a borrowed turtle and an aquarium, they are in our dining room....he had to care for a reptile/amphibian for 1 month to earn a merit badge in scouts. Today is turtle's last day with us and then he can go home to his true owner. I mention this because that side of the dining room remains "icky" and will need cleaned after he departs.

I thought I'd post while drinking my coffee - right now, I'm feeling energized and I want to record it. In a while, not so sure how I will feel but this is a good way for me to track my body's rise and fall.

Well, break is over as I'm staring into the empty cup and the carpet is calling to me.

Until next time!

Sleep is Highly Overated

Morning! (again and so, so soon)

We are a sleepless bunch, us Fibro people. I've had people comment to me, "wow, came by your house @ like 2 a.m. and the lights were still on!" Yep, that would be me :) You'd think with the lack of sleeping I'm doing my house would be flippin' spotless but alas, it is not.

I'm the only night owl but not the only light sleeper in our house. The slightest "abnormal" sound and one or both of my kids are up ....so, aside from the TV, no noise in the house after 10 p.m.

Anyway, all that "nothingness" gives my mind time to roam and spin and never shut down. I've been pondering the origins of my Fibro during my "spin cycle." I've always been sickly but I seriously think that this stuff is akin to something nerve related. If in fact that is the case, then I know of 1 significant trauma I experienced @ 29 but what about all the minor ones from childhood or when I broke my tailbone as a mid 20's something year old???

Other things that play through my sleepless mind, useless trivia, movie quotes, elusive songs and lyrics, etc. Facebook has opened a whole new world of, "where are they now?" that can entertain the mind for a few wasted hours.

Other than mindless, rambling thoughts, there isn't much else in my head today - obviously. However, at least I can attribute it to the lack of sleep :)

Until next time!

I Spoke Too Soon!

Okay, well this is a lesson in not patting myself on the back before a project is complete - the washing machine did not catch on fire but it did hose down my laundry room with gallons of laundry water! Apparently, after the fire debacle of last week, the hose to the drain was not secured properly and my machine did its own impersonation of a fire hose!

Here's one of those "silver lining" moments, super sensitive hearing caught this before it was an even bigger mess. I thought my son was messing around in the bathroom because I could hear waves of water splashing (loudly) and when I called to him, he answered from his bedroom.

Upon further investigation, I went to the laundry room to discover it under siege! Luckily, I'm a laundry sorter so the assorted piles in front of the machine sopped up a lot of the water. Unfortunately, the carpeting caught the rest.

My son, ever the optimist said, "well, at least it smells good out here!" Apparently, my choice of laundry detergent was sound - lol!

There's actually 3 lessons in this mess; 1. As I said above, don't credit anything until it's completed, 2. Super sensitivities can be useful, 3. Good laundry soap makes a difference in more than one way!

Wow, only 4:30 p.m. - can't wait to see what happens in the next 6 - 8 hrs. I have left before bed.

Until next time!

Another day, another ache

Today has been uneventful - that is to say, I've had most of my wits with me and didn't get lost or mumble my way through class this morning. I did however do some "nascar" style driving in town today....wheeeeee!

Still achy but so far the flare up hasn't gone into "full blown" mode. This is a great thing considering how bad it was on Sunday. Total flare up then it receded as quickly as it came. Those types are few and far between for me.

I bought software today to help with the homeschool thing - I figured that on the days when I'm a babbling idiot, the software could take over. I just previewed it and it should work, it's equally as boring as I can be :)

Well, that's the summary of my day thus far. I drove and we all survived, I installed software and the computer survived and I'm doing laundry and so far, the machine hasn't caught on fire (yet) That was an adventure from last week - ooh, bad memories! lol!

However, and if you are a fellow sufferer you may want to note this - the super sensitivity to smells we have...well, they can, and do, come in handy on occasion. Within the last 2 months, I have caught 2 house fires about to happen and headed them off before we suffered! Win!!!!

I think that could be considered a good lesson for myself - everything has a silver lining, you just have to want to find it.

Until next time!

Foggy & Groggy

Well, it has been an interesting 24 hrs....had to load up on pain meds to get sleep last night - that always leaves me feeling groggy the following morning. Went to the doctor this afternoon and came home with 3 antibiotics - seems that the diverticulitis has decided to rear its ugly head again...oh well, what that really means is 10 days of more pills and no wine :(

On a lighter and sillier note, my word salad has been a real hoot today! I have muttered and mumbled through the entire morning which made teaching school super confusing for the kids :) Good thing the word lists are pre-typed or they would have been spelling some really odd words.

So, here I sit, back @ the computer trying to make sense of my crazy world. I have decided that I'm going to have some shirts made up - they are simply going to say, "I blame it all on the Fibro!" It should cover anything that I may say and/or do that seems out of the ordinary :)

Until next time!

Foggy Morning #1

Morning - Notice I didn't say "Good Morning?" I try to never start a conversation with that phrase simply because it usually isn't. lol!

So yesterday I posted and told you all about my "Fibro Illnesses" and lo and behold, after reading it this morning I realized that I forgot some stuff! ***gasp*** shocker huh?

I forgot the hemorrhoids, which I'm betting you're very glad to hear about. I forgot the overall fatigue/malaise, maybe I was just too tired to put that on originally (**snark**) Then there are the truly "quirky" symptoms such as; sore to the touch, I often feel bruised and the slightest touch sends me into orbit. I am super sensitive to light, sound and smell....those are some real crowd pleasers!

My son is responsible for taking out the garbage in our house. I tell you this because he deserves a ton of sympathy. Not because he has a chore to do but because when your Mother has a smell sensitivity, well...you are taking out the garbage way more often than you normally would have to. We go through a ton of garbage bags too because of it.

The sensitivity to light has subsequently caused my vitamin D deficiency - I don't know if I put that one on either lol!

Ooh, another HUGE quirky symptom, textures matter! I wish I could say it's limited to clothing but not with me. I am overly weird when it comes to the textures of anything that comes in contact with my skin or tongue....certain foods are impossible for me to eat because of texture. I am limited to what I wear because of the feel of the clothing on my skin and there are even times when I have to put a sheet over my chair because of the texture of the material...how's that for weird.

Then there's the "can't swallow" thing - and if you turn that into a piggish thing, shame on you! lol! Seriously though, I have lots of trouble swallowing and at night it causes me to choke and wake up gasping.

Digits swelling, "purpling" from Renaud's and calcium deposits too......these, along with the swallowing things were in fact confirmed by my Rheumy as documented fibro issues.

After reading over this stuff, I can understand how so many docs think this is a syndrome of the mind...I can. However, unless there is some sort of unspoken, mass hysteria like thing sweeping the globe, then I don't see how that would even be remotely feasible.

With the recent discovery of the XMRV retrovirus, it gives me hope that all of the mystery about this disease/syndrome will soon be put to bed. Surely the medical world won't shun a real, honest to goodness virus??? *said with tongue firmly planted in cheek*

Excited and hopeful for vindication is more like it. Sufferers from Fibro and Chronic Fatigue have been looked down upon for so long that recognition is as high a priority as cure. That is a sad truth in itself.

I personally struggled for years before a diagnosis was given - I cannot work outside the home because it is so unfair to expect an employer to understand that today may be good for me to come in but I don't know about tomorrow or even later in the day today.....the flare ups are quick and unpredictable as are the amount of time they last.

So there you have it...day 2 of the blog and all it was was expansion of yesterdays. This could go on forever @ the rate I forget stuff :)

Until next time

Fibro & all of its ugliness

I'm writing this blog because, well...with the fibro, my mind is mush 99% of the time - that is unless I'm writing. This seems to be the only way that I can put words together without them jumbling all around and coming out sounding like gibberish.

My name is Haley, and I have Fibromyalgia. I'm not sure how long I've had it as I have been plagued with illnesses since I was little. However, my official diagnosis came around 4 years ago.

As anyone with this debilitating "syndrome" can tell you - there is no consistency with regards to symptoms or flare ups. Each day, each moment is different and because it is elusive and confusing to the sufferer, the families, friends and employers of those individuals don't stand a chance in comprehending it.

So, I decided to chronicle all the little nuances of this horrible disease...yep, I said disease. Anyone who lives with this stuff knows that syndrome doesn't begin to justify what we go through. Only the word disease suites Fibro and all the yucky stuff that comes with it.

For example...when "normal" people go to the doctor, they fill one maybe two things out for their medical history. Current illnesses, prescriptions, etc..right? Well, I carry a piece of notebook paper, in my purse, listing everything I have/take - just so it's easier for me and my family. The nurse can copy it, attach it to my file and move on way quicker than it being recorded on the information sheet.

Okay, here goes - this is what all I have, currently

Fibromyalgia
Spinal Canal Stenosis
Degenerative Disc Disease
Hypothyroidism
Herniated/bulging discs in the cervical & lumbar regions
Pinched nerves in the cervical region
Bone spurs on both sides of the cervical region
Kyphosis and lordosis (reversal of curvature of cervical and lumbar endings)
Arthritis in all of my joints
Irritable Bowel
Diverticulitis
Repeating Kidney Stones
Early onset Glaucoma
TMJ
Bell's Palsy
Pulmonary Hypertension
Ulcers
Bipolar Depression
Sleep Apnea
Nasal Allergies
GERD
Heart Murmur
Low Blood Pressure
Multiple miscarriages (5 to be exact)

As for the medicines I take; Claritin and Singulair (for the allergies), Flonase and Nasacort (for the allergies), CPAP treatment (for the apnea), Welbutrin XL (for the depression), Elavil (for the depression and the IBS), Synthroid (for the hypothyroidism), Calcium, fish oil and flaxseed supplements (for various holistic reasons), Advair (for lung function), Prevacid/Prilosec (for ulcers/GERD). Then of course there are pain killers such as Darvacet and high dosage Ibuprofen but those irritate the ulcers so most of the time, I suck up the pain without them. I also have xanax for when the stress gets too bad and muscle relaxers for when the spasms won't let up.

Now, try putting all of that on those little forms - it is no picnic!

Even with all of those negatives, I would gladly keep all of them if I could trade, what I consider, the worst of the fibro symptoms....the fibro fog or memory loss/lapse.

I can only remember snippets of my children growing up. I've lost entire activities, days, weeks, months, etc. I have been driving and forgot how to drive, I have put my mail and keys in the fridge and the milk in the cabinet....I have a tendency to ask a question and then block out and or forget the answer almost immediately.

These are the worst, without question...this is the hardest for me to deal with. Just today, my loving husband came into my bedside to tell me goodbye. He was leaving for work just like every morning but today...well, he said we had a conversation and that the dog came up there too and he scolded her, etc.

I awoke some 2 hrs. later, having no memory of our encounter, what so ever. I was afraid that he had gone off into another part of the house getting ready for work and something happened because he didn't tell me bye. I was scared that he was in there somewhere needing medical help or maybe fell asleep on the couch - I jumped out of bed and ran through the house looking for him.

His lunch bucket was gone so I looked to see if his truck was gone. It was, so I texted him to ask him why he left without a word to me. He called me and filled me in on our conversation that I had forgotten ---- what will I forget next???

I don't know but I hope that I somehow learn of it so that I can blog about it. Maybe then, if I forget it again, I'll have a written record of it.

Until next time.