Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Hand in Hand

I've said it so many times but my mood affects my fibro and my fibro affects my mood! I have been mid-flair for a couple of days now and along with fatigue, I am now experiencing a horrible case of melancholy! Apparently, all this stuff goes hand in hand - for me at least.

On a "good" note; I have been taking vitamin D supplements and I believe I can actually feel the difference in me. That may sound stupid, hopeful or even delusional but my overall energy level seems to really be up since I started it.

I don't recommend running out and getting it based on me or my experience - I was "D" deficient or I would have never considered taking it. It's really funny but I did noticed the improvements almost right away but until a friend had a similar result, I had ignored it. lol!

I never look a gift horse in the mouth...since having been diagnosed with the "fibro curse", I never take for granted anything that works and I never get dependent on it because for me, the good results are usually temporary.

However, today I can honestly say that my energy is being zapped by my sadness...life is changing and there isn't a darn thing I can do about it. I'm watching my children grow up and become independent, watching the dynamics of our family change and overall feeling very, very old.

I know this is not a good way to muddle through a flair up and I have tried very hard to head it off but it just keeps popping its ugly head right up in my face!!! You can't fight certain changes but I cannot convince myself of that on days like today.

It's days like today when I realize that I'm virtually alone. Now, that's not to say that I don't have friends because I do, really great ones. However, I'm not a team player, a joiner a fun loving kinda person so I don't socialize lots. I did give it a real "Hooray" for a time and tried to change but like the leopard, alas, I could not change my spots.

I would dearly love to be able to blame all of my woes on something or even someone else but in the end it still comes down to just me! I am who I am, be it saint or sinner and changing my inner workings is not possible. Now, add "physically broken" to that and you have....ME!

Yup, that just about sums it up - I am a broken, emotionally stunted individual! At least that's how I feel today. Tomorrow, heck - I could be flying on cloud 9 without a care in the world and giving flowers to everyone I meet ....nah, that's not me either but I could be really, really "not unhappy!" lol!

Point is this - fibro sucks and all of the other stuff that goes with it sucks even more! It's similar to the age old question about the chicken, "Which came first...?" only I say, "The depression or the fibro?" Oh sweet irony, you've taken over my life! lol!

I will push through this because I have to, my children, my family (God knows why), depend on me. You'd think they'd be leery of someone who can't remember their names half the time but nope, they still look to me for answers! Weird huh??? I will persevere and when I emerge on the other side, I'll let you know :)

Until next time!

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