If I only knew

"If I only knew" is a loaded statement. If I only knew back when that...my first marriage was gonna turn out to be a huge mistake, my health issues as a child/young woman would lead to my illnesses today, money didn't grow on trees, etc. Well, we all know there are too many variables in life to have gotten it all right the first time but when it come to now, today - my "If I only knew" relates directly to my fibro.

For example; after I've done something that isn't particularly difficult but still causes me excruciating pain, I say, "Wow, had I known that was going to do that I may not have done it!" That kinda stuff is what perplexes me right now. How can one enigmatic affliction sideline me so often?????

I chastise myself constantly because I know that there are millions of people who suffer from diseases that are "tangible" but they continue on their daily lives as if it's a mere inconvenience - while I ache and feel completely incapacitated from running the damn vacuum cleaner!

I'm well aware of the "variables" between people, their lives too, however, I used to be one of those conquering all the odds person, trudging on no matter the obstacles, etc. but now, I just simply cannot do it.  Well, not with the fibro anyway.

I have to admit that other illnesses do not keep me down. I spent over 8 hrs. in an ER because I had gall stones, kidney stones and diverticulitis all at the same time. I refused to be admitted, received I.V. antibiotics, went home, under orders of bed rest, got up the next day and went shopping and then to a party for my kids' home school group. I didn't feel well but I continued on - So, why does fibro kick my butt????

I'm whining about this now because I have family coming in for the holiday and I have overwhelmed myself just simply cleaning my house! Okay, yes, I cleaned the carpets and moved a bed and couch but that is stuff I have done all of my life, without help mind you! I was told on many occasions that I could outwork most me, that was of course before I "got sick."

So as I sit here typing, I'm waiting on a painkiller to kick in - by the way, completely upset that Darvocet is being pulled from the market as it is one of my few "saving graces" some days :(  I'm hoping against hope that this holiday goes by uneventful so that I don't have to add stress to my already aching body.  The light at the end of the tunnel for me right now lays in the anticipation of turkey and my Mother-In-Law's homemade mincemeat pies!

Just in case I don't post again until after the holiday, "Happy Thanksgiving Everyone! Make it a safe, memorable and love filled event!"

Until next time!

Holiday Stress

I can't believe it but here we are, staring down the November holiday of Thanksgiving! A time for thankfulness and family and the kick off to the "overindulgent sprint" to New Year's Day.....

I love Thanksgiving, it's one of my favorite holidays and now even more so. See, it was the last holiday I spent with my Father - it will forever more be remembered that way for me. I'm not sad about it, I'm grateful for it ... one could even say. "Thankful" for it.

However, anytime I am about to have people in my home, I stress a little. I believe it is completely normal, right? I mean, unless you have a housekeeper or something. For me, being inflicted with fibro pain is a far cry from being "Hazel" We aren't filthy but we aren't the Cleaver's either.

*I'm aware how old both of those references make me sound because I am old so let me elaborate a bit; "Hazel" was a TV show that ran from 1961 - 1966 about a maid named Hazel, played by Shirley Booth and the Cleaver's was a reference to the TV show "Leave it to Beaver", that ran from 1957 - 1963 - by the way, I hate pearls so I could never be June Cleaver anyway! lol!

So, yes, I'm stressing but I'm also extremely lucky because my in-laws are who's coming to dinner and they don't judge me about our home. Actually, they are coming for a short stay as they live 400 miles away. They will arrive on Tuesday and leave on Saturday, spending much needed quality time with our children.

Recently I discovered that I like when they visit, it gives us a sense of family that has been missing for a couple of years....yup, that's the last Thanksgiving with my Dad. I find that the older and sicker I get, the more I long for family - weird huh? lol!

Anyway, so today, instead of letting my fever and aches take me down, I'm going to clean house. I opted out of church today because I am feverish and I don't want to spread that kind of love to anyone, especially at the onset of the holiday blitz.....God and I have an understanding, he fortifies me no matter where I am and I'll go to his house when I'm not sick - win, win!

So, as we begin the week that will not end until January 2, 2011 - let's remember to not let holiday stress define us. We "spoonies" need to take time to smell the turkey and not let it gobble us up!

Until next time!

Really???

My last post I was questioning my own sanity because I lost my bank card - this post, I do believe, will top that mind slip! First off, let me describe my neighborhood - we live in a rural area and when houses are clustered together, the are "banks" of mailboxes.

I happen to share a mailbox bank with my Mother. It has long been our practice of checking each others mailboxes to see if the mail has been delivered....not an issue with either of us.  Today, my Mother says, "Did you check your mail yesterday? If not, you really got a lot of mail and I didn't get any."

A simple observation and question, right? Well, as I'm speaking to her I go walking to the mailbox and I realize...I haven't checked my mail since Tuesday! Oh yes, Tuesday - WTF????? It never occurred to me, I never gave it even a hint of concern. Sure enough, my mailbox was overflowing with mail, bills, sales fliers, etc.!

Now, if you knew me personally, you would know just how disturbing this development is. I live for my mail - we live in no-man's land and the mail delivery is a very eventful deal! lol! Seriously, I look forward to my mail because to me, it's like Christmas - you never really know what's gonna be there, waiting for you.! lol!

Okay, so I can safely say that this week has been one of forgetfulness - next week is thankfulness and I'm positive that my number one thing I'm going to be thankful for is the fact that I have not misplaced my children! That is of course providing it doesn't happen between now and Thanksgiving Day!

Until next time!

What did you lose now?

Well yet another fibro-fog induced panic attack this week!  I lost my bank card! Yup, the one linking directly to our bank account that just happens to also be a visa check card - ugh!

To make matters worse on this loss, I didn't realize for 2 whole days! I tore through my purse at least 5 times; I guess I thought it would magically reappear, I scoured my car, my house and even went through the garbage! The only thing I can say is, "Thank God" I finally remembered the last place I used it! I called the store and much to my relief, it was there!

I still do not know how it escaped my clutches as I have a very rigid routine when it comes to my bank card. Use it, put it right back in its slot in my purse, take receipt and tuck it in my checkbook for later deduction, etc. Amazingly enough, I couldn't find the receipt either, which really caused me to freak out!

The next day, when I go to the store to retrieve my card, the desk guy couldn't find it. He enlisted the help of fellow employee and she couldn't find it. They called security to see if they had it, nope! Now I'm starting to panic all over again but I happen to see him rifling through some stuff and I saw it! Eureka!!!!!

In writing, this all sounds light and "haha" but let me tell you, the entire time I was searching for it I was bawling my eyes out! What am I going to forget next, my children?? I cannot stand this memory loss crap! Well, I don't like any of the symptoms but half the time I don't remember them anyway! lol! Okay, I made a funny at myself - but, I still hate all of this stuff!

Kudos to my husband who keeps sane and supportive through all of this. He just holds me when I cry and reassures me that it's all fine and good and will work out. I'm not so sure but I'm gonna trust him on it because quite frankly, I'm scared about it and he's my rock! I lean on him too much sometimes and not enough other times. I don't know how he lives with me and my "brokenness" but he does and I love him all the more for it.

Until next time!

Kidney Stones

I am having a very hard time right now. Seems that I have yet another kidney stone or stones.  If you've never had them be grateful! I can only describe the pain as; pinpointed to a specific area and it feels as if you are giving birth through the muscles/skin of said area! Another way to think of it is the movie "Aliens" - something horrific is trying to tear its way out of your body!

Mine always do the same thing, starting out as a slight discomfort that I assume is some type of muscle strain going on. It doesn't take long before I realize what it is and then all I can do is hold on for the ride! I avoid the "doctor thing" on these simply because I've done that before and it got me nowhere! They do their little scan and say, "Yup, you got stones and it will hurt when they pass!" Nobody busted them for me or made me more comfortable, nope - just leave the agony to me!

Anyway, I post this because, this is one of those darling, little, nagging illnesses that started plaguing me around the same time as my fibro diagnosis. Now, whether they are directly related or not, I cannot say but I do feel that there is some type of connection. If not directly tied then I would say that something I changed, due to the fibro, led to the stones - just guessing here though.

All I know is that my body is riddled with diagnoses, pills, vitamins, etc. and still the fun keeps comin'! I am currently of the mind to cease and desist all chemical remedies and seek out a more homeopathic way to treat my multiple conditions. I won't stop any meds until I find a sound alternative but that is the direction I will be moving in and soon. I see no further reason to make the pharmaceutical companies richer while draining my bank account and getting no physical improvements to show for it!

Until next time!

A pain in the butt!

Yup, "A pain in the butt" is exactly how I would describe I.B.S. - another of the lovely sub-afflictions we fibro people suffer from.  Out of all of them, I'd say this one is the most "irritating" - pun intended but not exaggerated in the least.

When you have I.B.S., dining out is a major obstacle. I cannot tell you how many times I have passed on eating when out with friends because the moment the food hits my stomach - my night is completely ruined.  I mean really, who wants to go out and have to spend all of the evening in the bathroom?

To compound matters, I also suffer from hemorrhoids so the I.B.S. is truly a symptom I would just as soon omit from my daily routine. My surgeon that took out my Gallbladder recommended that I take 1/2 of an anti-diarrhea tablet daily and that's fine for some but for me it just causes constipation - so, I'm  "dammed up" if I do and "dam" if I don't - lol!

When I'm "afflicted" with I.B.S. and it's ugliness, every movement is difficult....like having a disease of the nervous system isn't enough, right? I feel like I'm a walking time bomb, just feed me and see if I don't explode within minutes!

This whole mess is the main reason why I had to stop doing the Atkins weight regime. When I moved into the Ketosis stage, I was in major, major pain....yup, a pain in the butt again, to be sure!  This fact truly does bother me as I'm a believer in Atkins for my personal life. I have lived it - prior to these "problems", I lost a great deal of weight while on it and I looked and felt wonderful. So, this affliction and so many, many others is just another day in the life of a "fibro-broken" person!

Until next time!

To the Doctor or not to the doctor???

Well the weekend passed by rather slowly for me because I spent the better part of it with a screaming headache. Seems I can't shake it for very long, even when I bombard myself with Aleve ..... strange but not a huge surprise.

I've concluded that my headaches are a massive tumor, lurking around in my head just waiting for the right time to "pop!" Yes, I know, it is highly unlikely that it is a tumor or anything other than, sinuses, stress, TMJ or all of the above but I cannot be so dramatic over those boring, old things now can I? lol!

When you live with fibro, you literally learn to live with multiple things at once. I cannot remember one day over that last four or five years, that I have been completely and totally "symptom free." I have certainly had some very, very good days but never entirely free of one malady or another.

Which brings me to the reason for this post....how, exactly, do you know when you should make an appointment to see a doctor? I actually let my shoulders hurt for months before giving in and going to an orthopedic doc. After multiple cortisone injections and almost 2 months of physical therapy - the symptoms simply "vanished."

Now, I suppose I could accredit their miraculous disappearance to the shots or the therapy but any sufferer can tell you what it truly was - a massive flare up that left as mysteriously as it first appeared.  Leaving me, I might add, feeling completely moronic for having wasted the time and efforts of so many medical personnel.

So, suffice it to say, I will not subject my brain aneurysm/tumor/sinus thing/stress thing to the doctor for further evaluation as I know it will only end with me looking like a complete hypochondriac - again.  And, if for some fluke of fate, I die and it was determined that one of the above, "imaginary" scenarios proves to be true - "Oops!" lol!

Just one of the many things we "broken" individuals have to deal with on a daily basis - doubt. Nothing says, "Wow, get a grip" like always questioning your own body. No wonder nobody else can read us, we cannot get a proper read on ourselves.

Oh well, I guess we can just add that to our many "special" circumstances that make us - us, the "Fibromyalgia enigmas" that we are!

Until next time!

Fat Day

I'm going to start this off with a warning - I'm depressed and today's post reflects it. If you are already sad, I advise you to not read this as it may bring you down even further.


Today is a "Fat Day!" Everything I do, say, think, etc. leads me to me being fat! I have days like this more and more it seems. The worst is showering, not so much the shower itself but the full length mirror on the back of the bathroom door. I usually hang my robe over it but I still know it's there and what it reflects.

Between the "I'm fat depression" and my normal "stress depression" is wedged the "missing my Dad" depression. Every significant event (this particular one being mine & my daughter's birthdays) makes me miss him even more. He liked the whole celebration thing, the fun and joviality of it all and now, without him, it's just another day, for me anyway. Plus, I doubt that my Mother will remember it at all and given current circumstances, that's just as well. 

So, I'm bombarded with ill feelings right now and it makes me question how much any of this would truly get me if not for the damn fibro! My body issues are directly tied with my mind issues and it is frustrating, to say the least. I did speak to my doctor yesterday about a diet pill that I had heard about. Unfortunately, I am still having "issue" with the Diverticulitis and until that is fully resolved I cannot pursue any type of diet pill :( Figures!

To recap; I'm fat, sad, broke and really, really depressed about all of it! However, just having this blog to express all of this, helps me tremendously. I don't know who reads it, only who's subscribed to it but that is insignificant to the therapeutic value of letting it all out.

So in conclusion, "Thanks to everyone who reads my drivel! I hope I didn't bring you down too much but take heart in knowing that putting this in type helped me so much! I advise anyone who has "issues" to consider a blog. It doesn't necessarily have to be one that's public, I believe there was, once upon a time" a thing called a "diary" that served the same purpose only privately. lol!  Mine would be private too if I didn't believe it to be connected to Fibromyalgia. I feel a connection to other sufferers of the "silent" diseases and if sharing our sorrows helps one another, then so be it.

Until next time!

November's here

I haven't made a post in a few days because I was caught up in the trappings that come with Halloween. My children are just about done with tromping about, begging for sweets but not quite.

I enjoyed it this year though as they both went on their merry, little ways with their friends and my husband and I sat outside together by the fire pit, handing out candy. We took the much needed opportunity to talk, something we rarely get a chance to do anymore - in depth anyway.

However, I think the cool air got to me as I'm feeling the old, familiar ache, creeping around my back. I have learned to recognize those first little signs and try countering them as soon as they appear.

Last night, as I watched my son receive his new rank of Life Scout, I felt as if I had the flu coming on. I knew better - I knew it was the onset of a flare up so I wasn't worried about making an entire room of people sick.

I came home and babied myself. I moved "slower" and relaxed more. I took my meds. and waited until I was sleepy, not just tired, before I went to bed. This one act really helps me. If I am dropping on my feet sleepy when I retire, I have less chance of the toss and turn and hurt problems.

Today, still achy but I believe, for now, it's under control. I have to go out soon though and I'll know as soon as the air hits me just how under control it really is.

On a final and non-fibro related note: It's voting day across the country...please do your civic duty and go out and vote. It's a right the constitution gave us, we should exercise it so we retain the right to complain about the outcomes! :) lol!

Until next time!